crystabal3

Of course whenever I post in this journal I'm feeling somewhat stuck and lost. Don't really know where my life is heading right now. I need some kind of inspiration. Need to travel again soon.

in real life....there is no such thing.

I should have said what I wanted to say when I had the chance.

When will life pick up again?

life is tough

So I've deleted my facebook before and then gotten it back. Now I'm reconsidering redeleting it but i probably won't. I still feel that I need some kind of connection with some relevant people in my life. So maybe I'll just keep it. Who knows. I have a very fickle mind.

Went to the beach yesterday with my Sis, Jake, Mark, and Kristine for Maddy's birthday. I love the beach. It's so peaceful. It's the only place where I don't think. Thinking has become a nuisance in my life. I've been getting really bad headaches. Maybe it's my lack of sleep. I've been an insomniac lately.

It's one of those days where life is just lived one day at a time. Like I'm not overtly participating in the world around me, but just watching. But that's not entirely true. I do participate, but not directly.

We had a scare recently with my mom's health. She finished her chemo therapy and radiation treatments last month and went on her appointment. The doctor told her that her kidney was badly damaged during the process of her treatments and her treatments should have stopped but somehow it was missed by somehow. Everyone was pretty much playing the blame game but to me the ultimate blame would go on the doctor. My mom asked before every treatment if her blood work was okay and the nurses says it's always fine, but ultimately, it's the doctor's job to monitor every patient's health very closely. So that freaked me out a lot and the tears just started pouring again.

But when they checked my mom's blood again, everything was fine. So I had a WTF moment there. They're gonna check my mom a third time cause you know two out three. I swear I don't know why doctors get paid so much when they have no clue what the hell is going on with the patients. I'm not saying that I feel the same way about all doctors because there are so many good doctors out there. Just the one who became doctors for the sake of money rather than actually caring for their patients.

But that's the way of the world. Every profession has it. I know that what I do appears to be insignificant to some people and it probably is, but I know that it means the world to that one person. Some people get by with just doing the bare minimum but I always try to make each work that I do meaningful for the person affected. Even if it takes me hours or the whole day I would always put everything to it, whatever it is I do that will affect someone. In the end, I sometimes get the bare minimum but I get the job done right. I want to be one of the good "doctors" out there who actually care for her patients.

I've been accused by many minds that I don't connect well with people and that I'm not well connected in this world. That's pretty much the truth. But I guess this is my comeback to them.

My mom has been diagnosed with cancer and I've been bringing her to her treatments on Thursdays and Fridays. I think it's worse watching someone you love have it. I just feel so weak and helpless and nothing brings me any joy anymore. Oh, and did I mention that my dad's sister has cancer too? So right now I have two aunts and my mom with cancer. Why is this all happening at once?

My mom has been so tough and strong through it all though. She can't really taste anything and anything she puts in her mouth makes her want to vomit but she's been so dilligent with eating, even if she has to sit there for hours to finish her food. I love my mom.

She just had a scan today and we'll find out how long her treatments will have to continue on Thursday. I just want her to be healthy again. Damn cancer! If I knew this was gonna happen I would have gotten a medical degree and invented a cure!

so, being disenchanted about the whole work-friendship situation, i've decided to hole myself in my apt (because that's where i am most happy). yes, i know, it's a bit cowardly but i'm declaring myself a proud loner. as my first action to this new independence and also to help me with losing 10 pounds by march, i've decided to deprive myself of eating junk food as much as i can and cooking my own food. so i went to the grocery and bought tons of meat, some vegetables, and fruit (a bunch of bananas). i bought only one indulgence (cheese popcorn cheetos). i'm turning in a new leaf with eating right, exercising, and stimulating my brain (by reading the newspaper, cnn, and my monthly APSA articles). i'm not gonna waste my time on nonsense anymore. life is too short for that.

It's really disgusting to hear someone talk about how great they are. If you're so great, I don't need to hear it from you. I just hate show offs.

So I went to Dland the other day with a friend. Whenever I'd bring up some subject she always managed to turn the conversation about her and how great she was in something or how she accomplished this. It's really annoying. I hate it when people do that. On top of that, she continually argued with me about stupid nonsense to try to prove that she's always right. I'm usually the type of person who's chill and leaves things alone to avoid in getting into fight but this time, I almost did get into a fight. Augh! Dland was great but her attitude somehow made the experience unpleasant.

This is why I absolutely can't hang out with people from work. Oh, and I absolutely agree with that one quote. Specialization is for insects. If you only know just one thing, you're really not great...to me anyway.

On October 7, 2010 at 11:06AM, my nanay died. Even when I found out that it was terminal and that 2 months would be what the doctors called a bonus, I always prayed for a miracle. My mom and sister prayed for God to take her instead of giving her pain and to take her peacefully. I prayed for God to make her stronger so that she can go home. Maybe he thought that home was heaven, but that's not what I meant. I just wanted her to go to her home, the home that I grew up in. I wanted to see her strong again and for her to finally see me all grown up. I always imagined that she'd see me get married and I've always planned to go back there and spend a year living with her like when I was young so that I can take care of her like she did with me.

Life just seem so hopeless without her. Does this feeling of loss ever go away? I should be happy that her pain has finally ended and I am, but I just want her with me too. She was the most important person in my life. Where do I go from here?